Joke

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That is brilliant Thanks for posting

[RickRuski]

CATHOLIC HORSES
A punter (gambler) was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning. The punter was elated! He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded though as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!!!'

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.





'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants.
You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

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A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[RickRuski]

The Medium.



In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt.

Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself - and to stop her mind racing.

She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked,





"Will I be acquitted." ?

For some reason, Women tend to like this joke ....

[RickRuski]

Out of the mouths of babes etc.

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some we hadn’t seen for quite a while, and everyone was encouraged to bring their children as well.
All during dinner my wife’s best friend’s four-year-old stared at me sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, patted my hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
I tried my best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for me.
I finally asked her "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

I'm learning to hate little kids.

[RickRuski]

New SIM to surprise her husband

Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the Living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:
"Hello Darling."
The husband responds in a low tone:
"Let me call you back later Honey, the stupid woman is in the kitchen.


Cool message by a wife

Dear Mother-in-law,
"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"


Throwing knives at wife's picture
Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.
All were missing the target!
Suddenly he received call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"
His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."


Habit of talking in sleep
A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?
Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.


NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN
Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around & no one teaches a man how to choose a wife.
NATURAL DISASTERS JUST HAPPEN.


Your husband needs rest
Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you!






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[RickRuski]

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.. The room was full of workers and
he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy
$1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that
goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.."