Joke

[RickRuski]

Football Boots

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'


Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that again you little sod, you're in my cupboard now'!!

[WTE_Galway]

An Irishman walks out of a pub ....


....



....



....


what ???



... it COULD happen ...

[JG52Krupi]

Originally Posted by RickRuski

Football Boots

Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'


Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that again you little sod, you're in my cupboard now'!!

Brilliant!

[335th_GRAthos]

Originally Posted by RickRuski

German Chancellor, Angela Merkel arrives at passport control in Athens:

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German" she replied.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days"...

AWESOME!

It makes the round of Greece as I type this...


~S~

[Viking]

Actualy the first joke in this thread was about a jew coming to New York. But the then ofcourse its not PC and....etc! But not funny unless it is.
Viking

[RickRuski]

Heavy Delta, Here's another for your Brother.


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[RickRuski]

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his garage, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage," G'day Doc!! Could you come over here for a sec."

The surgeon, a bit surprised, wandered over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doc, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one... So how come you get the big money, when you and me are doing basically the same work? "

The doc leaned over and whispered to the mechanic.....

" Try to do it when the Engine is RUNNING "

[ATAG_Snapper]

An old man is lying in bed in the last stages of a horrible terminal illness. There's nothing the doctors can do, so they've got him rigged at home with all kinds of life support apparatus to make his last hours as comfortable as possible.

As he's lying there all alone with his life slowly ebbing away, he becomes gradually aware of a wonderful aroma wafting into the room. From deep within his drug-induced stupor this new smell evokes almost-forgotten memories of his childhood. With great effort and not a little pain he feebly rips away his oxygen mask and begins pulling out the various tubes of saline and anaethesia drips. In agony he forces himself upright, and with a massive effort swings his wizened legs over the side of the bed. Gasping in pain, he uses the bed rails to lever himself upright onto the floor. Shaking under the stress, he manages to shuffle away from the bed towards the bedroom doorway. The unaccustomed weight on his legs sends shards of acute agony through the very core of his being, but through sheer force of will he propels himself determinedly towards the bedroom doorway -- he MUST find the source of that heartwarming, bewitching aroma from his boyhood.....

Ever so slowly, the dying old man exits the bedroom to be greeted by brilliant light emanating from down the hallway. One agonizing step by step, the old man gets closer and closer to this blinding light, the aroma now filling his senses and giving him renewed strength and hope. He now is at the threshold of this overpowering light and the wonderful, all-consuming smell of his boyhood is now pulling him within....

He blinks as his bleary old bloodshot eyes adjust to the brilliance. In astonishment, he sees row upon row of fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies cooling on cookie racks on the kitchen table before him. Trembling, he reaches towards one of these cookies when suddenly a spatula smartly raps the back of his hand and his wife shrieks, "Don't touch those!!! THEY'RE FOR THE FUNERAL!!!!!"

[Sven]

A woman goes to a doctor because she wants her breasts enlarged

The doctor advises her to rub toilet paper in between her breasts

The woman asks how that could possibly help her with the enlargement

Whereupon the doctor replied: It seemed to have worked for your ass.

[RickRuski]

-----
Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Englishman are in the bar.

They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him
is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

'Faith and begorrah, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of Draught.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After He's

finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When He lets go, the

Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God, the arthritis I've had for thirty-tree years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As He lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the Englishman who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

'My child, what's wrong?' asks Jesus.

The Englishman shouts, 'Bugger off , I'm on a Sickness Benefit!'