Joke

[Kongo-Otto]

"Hello i'm from Austria."
"Oh nice. Sidney or Outback?"

[Kongo-Otto]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

[RickRuski]

One late afternoon, after a hard day in the courts, a solicitor was riding home in his large Mercedes motor car
when he saw two men kneeling at the road-side eating grass.

Concerned at what he saw he stopped his car and went to investigate.
He said to one man " Why are you eating grass ?"
"Well sir, we don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
Shocked at this the solicitor said "Well then, come with me to my house and I'll feed you,"
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, sitting beneath that tree."
"Bring them along," the solicitor said.
Turning to the other poor man he said, "You may come with us, as well. "
The second man, in a weak and pitiful voice said, "But sir, I can't leave my family ~ I have a wife and six children with me!"
Without hesitation the solicitor said " then you must bring them all as well," and they all squeezed themselves into the luxurious motor car
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned and said, " Sir, you are too kind. Thank you so much for taking all of us with you.
The solicitor replied "I'm just glad to do it ~ I've just moved into a beautiful new home and the grass is almost a foot high."



Come on now.........................................you didn't think for one moment...? .........No, of course you didn't !

[HeavyDelta]

I'm sending that one to my lawyer brother.


Guy gets called to the hospital, being told his wife has been in a serious car crash. When he arrives the doctor meets him in the hallway and says

"Before you go in there, you should know it was a terrible crash. Your wife is in a coma and is on life support. We think she is paralyzed from the neck down, so even if she awakes months from now, she won't know who you are, you'll need to feed her, bathe her, cater to her every need for the rest of her life and she may never even remember who you are."

The guy puts his head in his hands and starts to weep "Oh my god this is terrible doctor!" He bemoans.

The doctor claps him on the shoulder and says "Haha! Just messing with you man! She's dead!"

[Hamel]

THE MONKEY STORY

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.

While he was there, an officer from the local RAAF base came in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take one of those monkeys, please".

The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and lead on the animal and handed it to the officer saying, "That'll be $2000, please."
*
The officer paid and left with the monkey.
*
The surprised tourist went up to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
*
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a special 'Technician' monkey; he can rig aircraft flight controls, pass the RAAF fitness test, set up a perimeter defence and perform the duties of any Warrant Officer with no back talk or complaints. it's well worth the money."
*
The tourist then spotted another monkey in another cage. "That's even more expensive! $10000!! What does it do?", he asked.
*
"Oh, that one", replied the shopkeeper. "That's an 'Engineer Officer' monkey. He can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at Unit, intermediate and Depot level and even does all the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed."
*
The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. This time the price tag was $50000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than the other two combined! What in the world can it do?"
*
"Actually," said the shopkeeper," I've never really seen him do anything but drink beer, play with his dick and wind-up the other monkeys, but his papers say he's a Pilot."
*

[5./JG27.Farber]

Can the joke be a sketch? Lets find out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xN1WN0YMWZU

[Plt Off JRB Meaker]

One of my all time favourites,Terry Thomas the original bounder,and I just love this one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8J9it...Cjn9W-SMFt-3bw

[5./JG27.Farber]

I'd like to tell this joke but I find it harsh on the Irish, so I tell it about the Scotts! - feel free to interchange your own racial bigotry

Englishman, Irishman and a Scottsman working on a high rise building. They all stop for lunch. Englishman says if my wife makes me tuna and mayonise sandwiches again tomorrow Ill kill myself... Irishman says If my wife makes me ham and mustard sandwiches again tomorrow Ill kill myself. Scottsman says if my wife makes me Beef and mustard sandwiches tomorrow Ill bloody kill myself!

The next day 500 feet up on the steel they open the lunches. Englishman says if my wife makes me tuna and mayonise sandwiches again tomorrow Ill definately kill myself... Irishman says If my wife makes me ham and mustard sandwiches again tomorrow Ill definately kill myself. Scottsman says if my wife makes me Beef and mustard sandwiches tomorrow Ill bloody definately kill myself!

So the third day, The scottsman open his lunch and jumps off the steel. 500 feet and dies... The Irishman says "Well, thats fekking wierd..." "Why?" says the Englishman... The Irishman replied - "He makes his own..."














And another, Irishman, Englishman and a Scott walk into a bar... The bartender says "Get the f*** out!, were closed!"...

[RickRuski]

This is one for the Australians amongst us.



The school inspector is assigned to the Year 4 class in one of the local Brisbane State schools. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.
She says to the class, "Let's show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question".

The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a biblical question.
He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"

For a full minute there is absolute silence. The children all just stare at him blankly. Eventually, little Bruce raises his hand. The inspector excitedly points to him.

Bruce stands up and replies: "Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you it wasn't me".

Of course the inspector is shocked by the answer and the lack of knowledge of the famous Bible story and he looks at the teacher for an explanation. Realizing that he is perturbed, the teacher says: "Well, I've known Bruce since the beginning of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it".

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal's office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies: "I don't know the boy, but I socialize every now and then with his teacher, and I believe her. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent".

The inspector can't believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal's desk and in a rage, dials Julia Gillard's telephone number and rattles off the entire occurrence to her and asks her what she thinks of the education standard in the State.

The PM sighs heavily and replies: "I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal, but just get three quotes and have the bloody wall fixed!!"